Texts: Complete Crack
by HidingFromTheSpotlight
Summary: About half a dozen cracky, slightly kinky texts... though it's implied only. I regret nothing.
1. Chapter 1

**Yeah... this isn't my best one, but I couldn't help myself... Anyway, the ideas for most of these came from Smartphoned, though I rewrote them to suit John and Sherlock. I couldn't be bothered doing the whole message received at such and such a time thing, but they are actually texting each other.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Sherlock. I would think this was obvious by now.**

**d(^_^)b**

_Sherlock, where are you? I need you to get here NOW. –JW_

**We're sorry, your message has failed to go through. There could be many reasons for this failure. Please try again later. If failure persists, contact your service provider. B===D –SH**

_ALL I WANT IS FOR YOU TO COME HERE –JW_

**I was kidding. That's why I put the smiley face with sunglasses. B===D See? –SH**

_Sherlock… that's not a smiley face. –JW_

**Then what is it? –SH**

_I'll explain when you get here. –JW_

…

**I'm home –SH**

_Ok good –JW_

**I told Lestrade about the problem with the speedo molester –SH**

***Speedometer –SH**

_Do you and this speedo molester know one another personally? –JW_

**Oh shut up –SH**

…

**Hey, John, could you get me a burrito and a diet cock? –SH**

_I didn't know they came in diet –JW_

**That's the only way I like it –SH**

_Check your last text –JW_

**What? –SH**

**NO! I MEANT COKE! DIET COKE! DUCK THIS STUPID PHONE! –SH**

_Sooooo… You only like diet cock? Is that some sort of euphemism? –JW_

**No. –SH**

_So you like cocks of all kinds? –JW_

**I'm not dignifying that with a response. –SH**

_Your silence says more than you ever could. –JW_

…

_Btw we should go snow fucking –JW_

**… -SH**

**Excuse me? –SH**

_Haha no *snow bording –JW_

_*bording –JW_

_…You know what I mean. –JW_

**Yes, I do. –SH**

_You do? –JW_

**Yes. You want a romantic retreat to the Alps… followed by some very heated outdoor sports ;) –SH**

_…I might… -JW_

…

**I'm not in a good mood right now. Anderson was being more idiotic than I thought was humanly possible. I need a great big fuck –SH**

_…I'm not helping you with that. I'm kind of at work right now. –JW_

**Some friend you are. Won't even help cheer me up… -SH**

_Check your last message –JW_

**OH DUCK! I MEANT HUG! HUG! DAMN AUTOCORRECT –SH**

_The second one I can do now, if you come by the surgery, the first I'll do later ;) –JW_

…

_OMG I just got fingered! –JW_

**You got what? –SH**

_FML! I just got a "FOAM FINGER" –JW_

_I give up on life –JW_

**Do you give up on fingering? –SH**

…

**I'm bored. –SH**

_Come get in my pants. –JW_

**I don't think we'll both fit in your pants. –SH**

_I'll just have to take them off then. –JW_

**That sounds good ;) I'll be up in a moment. –SH**

…

**I need a new slut. –SH**

_D: What's wrong with your old one? –JW_

**It's worn out and has holes in it. –SH**

_:'( Well fuck you. A few cuts and scratches and I'm suddenly no good. –JW_

**Wait… I meant suit, John. I need a new suit. I would never be able to replace you, nor would I want to. –SH**

_Damn straight. –JW_

**Not really ;D –SH**

…

_I 3 Barnum ^_^ –JW_

**WHO IS THIS BARNUM? I WANT TO KNOW WHERE HE LIVES! YOU ARE MINE JOHN! I WILL DESTROY THIS BARNUM AND THEY WILL NEVER FIND HIS BODY! –SH**

_No, wait. That was meant to say *Bar men –JW_

_*Batty men –JW_

**What? Is that meant to be about me? –SH**

_Oh my lord… I love Bruce Wayne –JW_

**WHAT! :O –SH**

_As in *B*A*T*M*A*N* –JW_

**I still have no idea who that is –SH**

_He's a superhero. He's really rich and kicks ass. –JW_

**I didn't realise you were so shallow. –SH**

_Fuck off. That's not why I like him. –JW_

…

_Hey, what's that stuff called that we used to make butt taste better? –JW_

**? –SH**

_Shit, BEEF! I meant beef! Damn auto correct. –JW_

**_Just so you know John, my butt tastes fine on its own. –SH_**

_I do know ;D –JW_

**d(^_^)b**

**HFS: ... Before you ask, yes, I am crazy. But hey, as long as I crank out awesome fanfics, you guys and girls won't care, right?**


	2. CC 2

**Hello all! How are you? I've been tumblring a lot lately, and some of it's giving me ideas. This was born from pure boredom. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Sherlock. If I did, I wouldn't be as much of a troll as Moffat.**

**d(^_^)b**

**Hey, are you awake? –SH**

**I'll take that as a no. –SH**

**Well, I'm bored. So wake up. –SH**

**WAKE UP! –SH**

**WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP! –SH**

**I'm coming to get you, we're going out for some late night Chinese. I'm paying. –SH**

_Free food. I'm awake. –JW_

…

**Come home. Mycroft's going to prison and Lestrade wants us to help with his stuff. –SH**

_Did someone finally charge him with kidnapping? Or is it something else? Did he kill someone with his umbrella :O –JW_

**What? No, it's for a business conference. –SH**

**Oh. No he's going to Philadelphia. –SH **

_Oh. Okay. –JW_

**With his umbrella? –SH**

_There's got to be a reason why he carries it everywhere! –JW_

**He's just overly prepared. –SH**

_Or, he's an assassin and the umbrella is his trademark! –JW_

**Really, John? Really? –SH**

_Oh shut up. –JW_

…

**My tongue's blue –SH**

_Mine's red. Wanna make purple? –JW_

**Oh god yes. –SH**

…

_Can you please call me when you need to be picked up? And don't do anything stupid :)8 –JW_

**What is that emoticon? –SH**

_It's bow tie man! He never does anything stupid, and neither should you. –JW_

**I never do anything stupid. –SH**

_Only because I'm there to stop you. But I'm not there now, so I've sent you bow tie man instead. –JW_

**How is an emoticon supposed to stop me doing stupid things? –SH**

_He is bow tie man, defying him is punishable by death –JW_

**O.O –SH**

…_Of your sex life. –JW_

**NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! You horrible, inhuman, cruel being! –SH**

_Be like bow tie man, and your sex life lives :D –JW_

**I DON'T NEGOTIATE WITH TERRORISTS! –SH**

_No more cuddles and snuggles late at night then. Hope you enjoy abstinence! –JW_

…**You are such a bitch. –SH**

_But I'm your bitch, babe ;D –JW_

…

**({}) –SH**

_What? –JW_

**It's a hug. I'm sending you a hug. –SH**

_That is not a hug. –JW_

**Then what is it? –SH**

_Look at it and let your mind stray into that dirty bit that you hope no one ever sees except for maybe your lover. –JW_

…**I still don't get it. –SH**

_You really are gay aren't you? –JW_

**Shut up. –SH**

…

**So, what are we going to do tonight? –SH**

_Stay home, watch movies and drink hot cock. –JW_

**Sounds nice ;) –SH**

… _That was supposed to say coco –JW_

**But I like the first option better –SH**

_It does sound pretty good –JW_

**Your room or mine? –SH**

_Mine. Now run home. Our date night's starting early ;D –JW_

…

_Hey babe, what are you doing? –JW_

**I'm about to go got to bed. I've just got to finish masturbating. –SH**

**That was meant to say menstruating. –SH**

… **Meditating. –SH**

_Lol. –JW_

…

**Have you pulled out the cock yet? –SH**

_Um, what? –JW_

**I meant cork. –SH**

_The cork's out now, the cock comes out later ;) –JW_

…

_So is Lestrade staying for dinner? –JW_

**No. He just fucked me in bed, now he's gotta go home. –SH**

_WHAT! WHAT DID YOU AND LESTRADE DO?! –JW_

**TUCKED! I MEANT TUCKED! –SH**

_For your sake that had better be true. –JW_

**I would never cheat on you. You're my sexy, jumper-clad, ex-army doctor boyfriend. –SH**

_Who can shoot your balls off from over a hundred feet away. –JW_

**That is so scary and so, so sexy. Oh I want you like a snowman wants winter. –SH**

_You're still high off the morphine they gave you at the hospital, aren't you? –JW_

**Oh yes. –SH**

_Lovely. –JW_

**Come home and punish me for naughty thoughts ;) –SH**

…

_Where's the porn? I'm starting dinner –JW_

**What kind of dinner are you planning? ;) –SH**

_I meant corn and you know it. –JW_

**Aw :( I was looking forward to the porn dinner. –SH**

_The porn's for after. –JW_

**YAY! :D –SH**

…

_What are you doing? :) –JW_

**I'm getting raped. Give me another minute or so. –SH**

_WHAT? WHERE ARE YOU! I'LL SAVE YOU! –JW_

**READY! I'm getting ready! –SH**

_I think I just had a heart attack. Seriously, Sherlock, never do that to me again. –JW_

**I didn't do it on purpose. –SH**

**But thanks for offering to save me. You're my knight in shining armour :) –SH**

…

_I'm super horny right now. –JW_

**I'll be home in two minutes. –SH**

_I meant hungry. I'm hungry… -JW_

…**With a pizza? –SH**

_Have I ever told you how much I love you? –JW_

**Only every five minutes. –SH**

…

**Do you have any annoying habits? No matter how long I observe you, I can't seem to find any. –SH**

_Well, I do suck on my penis a little too much. –JW_

**I didn't know you were that flexible. –SH**

_I meant pens. It was auto-correct's fault! –JW_

**Auto correct my ass, you kinky bitch. –SH**

_Sherlock, if I could suck myself off, I'd never leave my room. –JW_

**Want me to suck you off instead? –SH**

_Yes! –JW_

…

Sherlock, how is the case going? –GL

**Not good. I just fucked John in a closet. –SH**

I did not need to know that! –GL

***Found. I found John bound and gagged in a closet. –SH**

Is he okay? –GL

**He'll be fine. Annoyingly he let the criminals get away. –SH**

Whatever. Just tell me you know who they are. And never tell me about what you and John do in the closet. –GL

…

_Hey baby, what do you want for dessert tonight? –JW_

**Penis! :D –SH **

_Sounds good ;) –JW_

**You're not going to like this, but I actually said pie. –SH**

_Tease. –JW_

**How about pie for dessert, then we have some fun ;) We can even use whipped cream for both. –SH**

_:D –JW_

…

_It's my birthday today :) –JW_

**Happy birthday! I should throw you a birthday orgy! –SH**

_Sounds nice. –JW_

**Damn auto-correct! That should've said birthday party. –SH**

**Wait, what? –SH**

_A birthday party sounds nice too. –JW_

…

_I can't wait for our weekend away. –JW_

**We're certainly going to have fun. –SH**

_Gay fun! –JW_

**Well, that sounds enticing and arousing. –SH**

_I meant "Yay, fun!" –JW_

**But I was looking forward to the gay fun. –SH**

_We can still have gay fun ;) –JW_

…

_OMG! –JW_

**What?! What happened? –SH**

_I was just at the park and this dick attacked me! I was feeding it and it came up and started biting my hand! It just wouldn't get away from me! –JW_

**Maybe it just wanted you to pet it –SH**

_I'm serious! I was going to swat it away, but it looked so small. –JW_

_Oh haha. *Duck. –JW_

**Dick makes the story 10x better. –SH**

…

**Where were you today? –SH**

_I was just banging with some friends. –JW_

**YOU WERE WHAT?! You cannot be serious! –SH**

_Yeah I am? But some couldn't cum so we banged with this homeless man. –JW_

**Setting up your own homeless network, are you? –SH**

_OMFG! I meant hanging with friends. Some couldn't come, so we hanged with an old man instead. –JW_

**Sure you did :P –SH**

…

**^_^ -SH**

_You're silly. –JW_

**That's my second favourite face. –SH **

_What's your first? –JW_

**Yours. –SH**

_I love you so much 3 –JW_

…

_We'll be there late, Lestrade. Sherlock spilled his cock on me and we have to put my clothes in the wash. –JW_

I DID NOT NEED TO KNOW THAT! –GL

_Why? It's not like he hasn't done it before, and I've gotten pretty good at washing it out. –JW_

You're disgusting. –GL

_What? –JW_

_Oh my god! I swear that was supposed to say coke, not cock! –JW_

Too late. Most of Scotland Yard's seen that text by now. –GL 

_I hate you. –JW_

…

**So, are you working this Friday? Because I haven't seen you at all this week. You owe me sexy time. And we should go see that new movie you've been raving about. –SH**

**I officially claim your Friday night. –SH**

**If I were a dog, I'd pee on your Friday night like it was a tree, just so all the other dogs would smell my superior pheromones and run away because they knew if they messed with me, I'd bite their tails off and steal every last one of their chew toys. –SH**

**It's mine. –SH**

_This is one of many reasons why I love you. –JW_

**I'm taking that as a yes. –SH**

…

**I wanna bang you so hard. –SH**

_Me too :D –JW_

**REALLY?! –SH**

_Yeah. –JW_

_In the face_

_With a chair_

_Made of Nokias _

_Covered in spikes_

_Dipped in poison_

_Held by Chuck Norris. –JW_

**I take it you're still mad about me faking my death. –SH**

_THREE FUCKING YEARS SHERLOCK! THREE. FUCKING. YEARS! –JW_

**I said I was sorry. Please let me make it up to you. –SH**

_Fuck off. –JW_

**It involves candles and chocolate and a marathon of your favourite movies. –SH**

_Hmm. –JW_

**Did I mention I'm taking you to the Jade Dragon for dinner? –SH**

_Sold. –JW_

…

_Love you with the fire of a billion stars. –JW_

**You're so sweet, John. I love you with a passion I usually reserve for solving cases. –SH**

_Wow O.O You certainly are smooth, aren't you baby? 3 –JW_

**You know I am ;) G2g, but I'll sext you later. –SH**

***Sext. –SH**

***Sext. –SH**

**DAMN THIS INFERNAL PHONE! I MEANT TO SAY TEXT! –SH**

_Haha, maybe your phone's trying to tell you something? How about a little sexting session? I'll take you in the cyber dimension before I take you into the bedroom and fuck your brains out. –JW_

**Oh god, John please don't tease me. I'm conducting an experiment. –SH**

_You're the one who brought it up, baby. –JW_

_I want you so badly, Sherlock. –JW_

_I'm nothing without your touch. –JW_

_I need you. –JW_

**You are such a fucking tease. –SH**

_And you love it. –JW_

_;D –JW_


	3. CC 3

**So, here's another for you to giggle over. Why have I written another? I have no f***ing idea. Probably because people like it and it's easy to write. I got most of these situations from damnyouautocorrect dot com and then extended them, or changed them to suit Sherlock and John. Sorry if they're OOC. Also, sorry if anything I put in is morbid or macabre (i.e. that last scene where Sherlock's phone says rape instead of ready. Again, I apologise if it offended anyone. My sense of humour can be rather twisted at times.). And thank you to all the wonderful people who have reviewed. You're so very kind. **

**Btw: the **...** you see mean time has passed. I doubt you needed to be told that, I just had to make sure.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Sherlock. All I own is a very sick mind and a laptop with internet access.**

**Tell Sarah not to cock me on facebook. I didn't say anything offensive. –SH**

… _Not to COCK you on facebook? Am I missing something here? –JW_

***BOCK –SH**

_Oh so you're a chicken now? Are you trying to avoid the question? –JW_

***BLOCK. And shut up. –SH**

_Bock bock bagawk! –JW_

**Fuck up. –SH**

…

_SHERLOCK IT'S THREE IN THE MORNING WHERE ARE YOU?! –JW_

**I'm on a case and had to leave town. –SH**

_IT'S THREE IN THE MORNING! –JW_

**I couldn't sleep. Didn't you check the microwave? I left a note. –SH**

_Yes, Sherlock, because when I wake up at three in the morning to find that your side of the bed is empty and your suitcase is gone, I immediately assume that you're on a case and that I should check the microwave! –JW_

**Oh so you did see it? –SH**

_Sarcasm, Sherlock. I was being sarcastic. –JW_

…

_Do you want me to buy some orgasmic ice cream as a treat? –JW_

**Um, yeah. Sounds good ;D –SH**

_What's with that face? –JW_

**I'd LOVE some orgasmic ice cream ;) –SH**

_FUCK YOU I meant orgasmic! –JW_

_*Organic –JW_

…_Fuck this phone –JW_

**How about you fuck me instead? –SH**

…

**John where did you put the porn? –SH**

_It's on my computer like it's always been? –JW_

**Since when has corn been on your computer? –SH**

_Oh CORN! That's in the freezer to the right of the severed thumbs and behind the lasagne. –JW_

_Disregard my first message. –JW_

**I'm confiscating your laptop. –SH**

_Oh come on! I only just got it back and you wiped all of my stuff! –JW_

**Stop watching porn and I'll stop confiscating it. –SH**

_Fine. I'll just start imagining you naked more often. –JW_

**Or you could have me naked in real life. –SH**

_That sounds nice. –JW_

…

**You're legs, stomach and butt are going to be sore when I get there –SH**

_Um, what exactly are you planning? –JW_

**You've been complaining that you're getting out of shape, so I'm taking you to the gym. –SH**

_Oh, I knew that. –JW_

…

**Can I ask you a question? –SH**

_Sure. –JW_

**Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? –SH**

_No. But I did scrape my knee crawling out of hell. –JW_

**I love you so much. –SH**

_Care to kiss my ouchie all better? –JW_

**It's not the only thing I'm going to kiss. –SH**

…

_Don't get smart with me. –JW_

**I'm always smart, you know that. –SH**

_Whatever floats your boat. –JW_

**Want to know what floats my boat? ;) –SH**

_Okay ;) –JW_

**Water. –SH**

_Well, don't expect me to bail you out when someone decides to sink it. –JW_

**I WILL GO DOWN WITH THIS SHIP! –SH**

…

**Are you awake? –SH**

**Hello? Are you there? WAKE UP! –SH**

_Sure. Shouting over text is definitely going to work. –JW_

**You're awake, are you not? –SH**

_I was already awake. I was in the shower. –JW_

… **You have no proof! My theory still stands! –SH**

_Would my still dripping body be enough proof? –JW_

**I'd have to examine it to be sure ;) –SH**

_Well hurry because I'm starting to dry. –JW_

…

_I just poured milk into the washing machine. Sometimes I think I'm an idiot. –JW_

**I do that all the time. –SH**

_Pour milk into the washing machine? –JW_

**No. Think you're an idiot. –SH**

_Fuck you. –JW_

**Oh don't be like that. Nearly everyone is. –SH**

_Nearly everyone can't withhold sex from you. –JW_

**Let's not be rash. –SH**

**I wasn't serious about thinking you're an idiot. –SH**

**You're the exception, John. –SH**

**You're my brilliant conductor of light. –SH**

**Roses are red**

**Skulls are white**

**I've made you coffee**

**My conductor of light. –SH**

**It isn't drugged this time. –SH**

**And I made it properly. Without sugar. –SH**

_Bedroom. Now. –JW_

**But you're coffee will get cold. –SH**

_BEDROOM. NOW. –JW_

**Yes, darling. –SH**

…

**I see you're in the supermarket. –SH**

_Yeah, so? –JW_

**What're you doing here? –SH**

_Hunting dinosaurs, wtf do you think I'm doing here? A better question is what are YOU doing here? –JW_

… **-SH**

_I'm buying bread. –JW_

**Oh, okay then. On a completely unrelated topic, what is your favourite flavour? Chocolate or double chocolate? –SH**

_You're buying me a birthday cake, aren't you? –JW_

…**No. Now, answer the question. –SH**

_I like strawberry. –JW_

**Not an option. –SH**

_It's my birthday cake. –JW_

**No it's not. –SH**

_Fine. Chocolate. –JW_

…

_I asked the girl at the checkout counter. She confirmed it was a cake. –JW_

**I knew I should have bribed her. –SH**

_No candles. –JW_

**Why not? –SH**

_With the amount you'd need for my age, you could burn down the apartment. –JW_

**Don't be so embarrassed. –SH**

_No candles. –JW_

**How about just one? –SH**

_I thought you hated sentiment. –JW_

**I want you to make a wish so I can grant it. –SH**

_I am now coming up with an idea so dirty it could make a pornstar blush. –JW_

**DON'T TELL ME! It has to be a surprise. –SH**

_Oh it will be. –JW_

…

_I need my throat massaged. It still feels like there is dick in there. –JW_

_Wtf? *Dick not dick. –JW_

_*Sick. –JW_

**I'm sorry if I was a little rough last night. –SH**

_Oh shut up. Why would I mean dick when that's what I would use to massage my throat? –JW_

**Are you trying to tell me something, Doctor Watson? –SH**

_Is 'get your ass home now' clear enough for you? –JW_

…

**I'm suddenly starving. –SH**

_I know. All I had for breakfast was some shit coffee from a hole in the wall diner. –JW_

**The last thing I recall having is an bj. –SH**

**OJ! –SH**

_Riiight. –JW_

**Orange juice! The last thing I remember ingesting is orange juice! –SH**

_I'm laughing so much they can hear me in the waiting room –JW_

**Are you going to feed me or what? –SH**

_Say please and I'll be home in an hour. –JW_

**Please? –SH**

…

_I got some dress pants and a couple of shirts. They're about your size but you'll have to try them on to make sure. –JW_

**Good job. –SH**

_They also have gays on special if you want any. –JW_

**Thank you for the offer John, but I'm quite happy with the one I have. –SH**

_I thought you hated it? –JW_

**Whatever gave you that idea? –SH**

_You shot it. –JW_

**I think there's been a miscommunication. –SH**

_Oh. *Hats. –JW_

**No thanks. Hats don't suit me. –SH**

_I love you too, by the way. –JW_

…

_Night darling. –JW_

**Night dead husband. Sweet dreams. –SH**

_O.O Not likely. –JW_

**That was supposed to say dear husband. –SH**

_I'm going to have nightmares about you dissecting me I just know it. –JW_

**I would never hurt you, John. Never. –SH**

_I know. That doesn't mean I won't have nightmares. –JW_

**Though now that you mention it… if you die, can I dissect you? –SH**

_Assuming you're not consumed by grief? Sure, why not. –JW_

**Good night, John. –SH**

_Night. Try to refrain from killing me in my sleep. –JW_

…

_Are you going to be home all day? –JW_

**More than likely. –SH**

_I'll probably come home for lunch then. –JW_

**What time? –SH**

_Depends when I leave earth. One at the latest. –JW_

**I know you think I'm unnaturally beautiful but really? –SH**

_Whoops. I meant to say work. –JW_

_And I never said you were unnaturally beautiful. –JW_

**If memory serves, you said I was 'like Adonis crossed with a love child of Apollo and Aphrodite'. –SH**

_But you are. –JW_

…

_I don't think my penis is working. –JW_

_*PHONE! –JW_

**Want me to come test it? ;) –SH**

_You already tested it this morning. –JW_

**Something could have changed since then. –SH**

_But what about my phone? –JW_

**GET YOUR ASS IN MY BED BEFORE I DRAG YOU INTO IT! –SH**

_I'll deal with my phone problems later… -JW_

**Good choice. –SH**

…

**John! It was the transvestite cream! Someone poisoned it! –SH**

_Transvestite cream? –JW_

**FML! SHAVING CREAM! –SH**

_Oh. And here I was wondering why our manly man vic would need transvestite cream. –JW_

**First, my phone ducked up, and second, he was secretly homosexual and trying to deny his feelings for his MALE co-worker. –SH**

**Besides, you're a manly man and yet I make you scream like a fifteen year old girl in a horror movie nearly every night. –SH**

_Fuck off. –JW_

**Just hurry up and tell Lestrade. –SH**

…

_You know what's beautiful? Say the first word again. –JW_

**The first word again. –SH**

_Yeah, say it. –JW_

**It. –SH**

_OMG I WAS TRYING TO BE CUTE! –JW_

**John, to call you beautiful would be a lie. –SH**

_What? I know I'm not the most attractive man in the world, but you didn't have to say that! –JW_

**No! That's not what I mean! You're more than beautiful. You're the most wonderful, most fascinating, most stimulating, most gorgeous human being I have ever met. I love you more than I love interesting crimes. More than anything and everything. You're perfect, John. And you're one hundred percent mine. –SH**

_Sherlock… that's the most wonderful thing you've ever said to me. –JW_

**I love you, John. I love you as much as a heartless sociopathic machine can love another human being. –SH**

_You're not heartless, Sherlock. And you're most certainly not a machine. I love you too. –JW_

**You forgot the sociopathic part. –SH**

_That's debatable. –JW_

_But I still love you like Kanye West loves himself. –JW_

**I don't get that reference. –SH**

_I love you a lot Sherlock. –JW_

**I love you a lot too, John. –SH**

…_Hurry up and get in my fucking bed. –JW_

**Yes, love. –SH**


	4. CC 4

**So, I'm back with another chapter, though this one is Mystrade. I'll get back to the Johnlock in the next chapter. Anyway, this is probably OOC and very unfunny, I just felt like I should add a bit of variety. **

**Most of this is collected from either Smartphoned dot com or damnyouautocorrect dot com. I take no credit for the original situations, I just remould them to suit our boys.**

**Anyways, enjoy! (And if you don't, I'm very sorry about that).**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Sherlock.**

**Part Four:**

**MH/GL (mostly)**

_**Sherlock! You could at least be a bit more helpful! I can't just go up to Gregory and say 'I like you, would you please go out with me?' Now, how should I ask him out? –MH**_

I don't think that's going to be a problem. –GL

**_What do you mean? –MH_**

**_Wait. –MH_**

**_Oh dear. –MH_**

Shall I pick you up at six and we can go out for dinner? –GL

_**That would be rather nice. Er, thank you, Gregory. –MH**_

I'll see you at six, Mycroft. –GL

…

_**Sherlock, are you busy? I want you and John to come to dinner with Mummy and I so I can introduce Mummy to my new boyfriend. –MH**_

**Can't. Far too busy. But tell Lestrade I said hello. –SH**

_**Let me guess, you're sitting in your lounge watching horrid daytime TV shows and yelling out deductions at random? –MH**_

**How could you possibly know that? I mean, you're in Dublin! –SH**

**_You're windows are open. –MH_**

**STOP HACKING THE STREET CAMERAS TO SPY ON ME! –SH**

**_I will when you stop acting like an utter child. –MH_**

**Go fuck yourself! –SH**

_**Language, Sherlock. Do you really want me showing this to Mummy? –MH**_

**I hate you. –SH**

**_Dinner is at seven, at The Golden Rose. Bring John, wear proper attire, don't be late. –MH_**

…

_**Come home quickly, Gregory. Pain is coming. –MH**_

What did I do? –GL

_**Hmm? –MH**_

_**Oh, no it was meant to say rain. It's going to rain and you haven't got an umbrella. –MH**_

Unlike you, I take risks. –GL

_**Unless you want to risk my umbrella being lodged in an entirely uncomfortable place, I suggest you bring your nicely tanned derriere home. –MH**_

Is that a threat? –GL

_**No. –MH**_

_**It's a promise. –MH**_

I'll be home in a minute, love. –GL

_**Good boy, Gregory. –MH**_

…

Where were you last month? –GL

_**Sorry, my love, but it's a secret. –MH**_

Please? I'd at least like to know where my boyfriend is continually disappearing to. -GL 

_**Well, all right. Last month I was in a lesbian on a business trip. It went rather well, even if it was a little sour and tense to begin with. –MH**_

Um… Do you have something you want to tell me, Mycroft? Is this your way of breaking up with me? Did I do something wrong? –GL

_**What? Why would I break up to you? –MH**_

Look, it's okay. I'm sorry if I'm not good enough for you, but I really do love you. Could we at least try to work through it? –GL

_**What the devil are you talking about? Work through what? –MH**_

You said you were in a lesbian. –GL

_**This is why I hate texting. I was trying to tell you that I was in Lebanon. I would never cheat on you, love. –MH**_

:) –GL

…

Hey, while you're out, could you pick up some cucumbers? –GL

_**Okay. Why exactly am I picking up cucumbers? –MH**_

To fuck? Duh. –GL

_**Have I been leaving you alone at home for a little too long? –MH**_

Well, yes, but I don't see why you've suddenly brought that up. –GL

_**You may wish to go over your second text, Gregory. –MH**_

Oh fuck! That was supposed to say cook! I'm cooking tonight but I forgot to pick up cucumbers! God I hate auto correct. –GL

_**Oh, in that case I'll send Anthea by with them. –MH**_

…

Hey, honey, when you come home, I'll be upstairs handcuffed to the bed ;) –GL

_Why hello to you too Lestrade. –JW_

… Uh, that wasn't meant for you. –GL

_I gathered that. –JW_

_Though this certainly puts a perspective on that dog collar you were wearing the other day. –JW_

Shut up. –GL

_Just out of curiosity, how do you cuff yourself to the bed? –JW_

I'm a cop, I have a lot of practice with handcuffs. –GL

_Alrighty then, enjoy your little get together. –JW_

…

I'll stop and ask for erections. Hopefully it won't take long. –GL

_**I beg your pardon? –MH**_

*Directions! I hate this phone! I should just throw it away! –GL

_**No, don't. These little conversations amuse me. –MH**_

…

_**Where should we go for our anniversary? –MH**_

I want to try Human beef. –GL

_**I'm sorry, Gregory, but cannibalism doesn't interest me. How about a nice Greek restaurant? –MH**_

No, no! I meant Hunan beef! It's this new restaurant. –GL

_**Okay, that sounds nice. –MH**_

Wait, why weren't you more shocked and disgusted at the thought of me being a cannibal? –GL

_**I did say for better or for worse. –MH**_

…  
_**What did the doctor say? –MH**_

He said I need to cut back on the sodomy, apparently it's doing a number on my heart. –GL

_**I'm sorry to hear that, my darling. Perhaps I should have been gentler. –MH**_

What? No, he said *sodium, I need to cut back on my salt intake. –GL

_**Oh. I'll have a recipe guideline drawn up for the two of us. –MH**_

I love you :) And don't you ever be gentle –GL

_**Your wish is my command. –MH**_

…

_**Running late for dinner. Go ahead and order without me. –MH**_

It's fine. Our waitress is MMM. –GL

_**What? –MH**_

Making me mad. –GL

_**Stop making up acronyms and text speak. I may be intelligent but I'm not a cryptologist. –MH**_

What? –GL

_**Stop making shit up on the fly. –MH**_

Oh. Yes, dear. –GL

**HFTS: I'll probably only do one more chapter of this (so it'll have to be a good one, right?) but I'd like to thank all of my reviewers and favers and followers. It always give me a boost of confidence when I see such a wonderful response to my stories. Thank you very, very much!**


	5. CC 5

**Final (well, maybe) chapter. Enjoy.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Sherlock.**

**Part Five:**

_I really hate the fact you're taller than me. –JW_

**It has its advantages. –SH**

_Like what? –JW_

**Well, when we hug, you can listen to my heart, and it only beats for you. –SH**

_Correction: You can hide things from me on the top shelves. –JW_

**Touché. –SH**

**But my one was better. –SH**

…

_Sherlock, could you please bring me a change of clothes? I've just had a penis explode all over me. It's the second time this week and I'm getting really sick of it. I swear, it must be the way I hold them or something. They're in my hand for barely a second and then BOOM, gone. –JW_

**Maybe it's the fact you sit there all day like the sexy bitch you are. You can't blame them for falling to pieces when put into those expert hands of yours. –SH**

_What? –JW_

**Speaking of which, would you mind coming home and using those expert hands of yours on me? –SH**

_Er, okay. –JW_

_*Pen. My god that's embarrassing. –JW_

_Wait. Why aren't you more worried about me jerking off other guys? –JW_

**Come home and find out ;) –SH**

…

_I'm going to the pub. Coming? –JW_

**No, you cunt. –SH**

_Well fine then. Irritable bastard. –JW_

***CAN'T! NO YOU CAN'T! I've been planning a couple's night in… -SH**

_Oh! Well, um, that sounds perfect. I suppose we've been needing a little alone time. Sorry for calling you an irritable bastard. –JW_

**Sorry for my phone calling you a cunt. –SH**

…

**Where are you? –SH**

_One sec. I'm humping this old man. –JW_

**Wtf? Why would you do something like that? –SH**

_What? I was being polite. He seemed rather desperate. –JW_

**Get home. NOW. –SH**

_Oh fuck. *Helping. I was helping an old man with directions. –JW_

_This is rather awkward. –JW_

**I need to bleach my eyes. –SH**

…

**Do you want me to pick up some pussy? –SH**

_What are you trying to suggest? –JW_

**We could watch a couple of movies and pig out on pussy. Well, you'll pig out, I'll just make sure you don't choke. –SH**

_Um… Thanks but no thanks? I mean, it's a nice offer and all but I'd rather just have you. –JW_

**What? –SH**

**Oh. *Pizza. Do you want pizza? –SH**

_Oh, okay. Hawaiian and meatlovers please. –JW_

**The irony of a gay man asking for a meatlovers. –SH**

_Oh fuck off. –JW_

…

_I have your cum in my room and I am going to eat it all. –JW_

**Interesting. I'll have to come watch. –SH**

_You do that. But I'm not going to give you any because it's mine now. –JW_

**You realise you wrote cum, right? –SH**

… _Fuck. That's just awkward. –JW_

**I found it rather arousing. –SH**

…

_I want your dictionary inside me. Right now. –JW_

**I don't think the phrase 'insert some knowledge into yourself' was meant to be taken literally. –SH**

_Fuck you. And who the fuck says 'insert some knowledge into yourself'? –JW_

**I do. –SH**

_Whatever. Just hurry up and get to my bedroom before I insert some *knowledge* into you. –JW_

…

_Bitch, you're so slutty you've had more fingers in you than a bowling ball. –JW_

**What? –SD**

_Sorry. Cat walked across my keyboard. –JW_

**Oh, okay. –SD**

_Wanna know a secret? I don't have a cat. –JW_

**Bastard. –SD**

_Don't mess with my husband, bitch. –JW_

…

**You're cute. –SH**

_You're affordable. –JW_

**Says the man who can't walk past a 2-for-1 deal. –SH**

_*Adorable. –JW_

**Oh sorry. –SH**

_On a completely unrelated note, there's a scale on at Tesco and I need to borrow you're credit card for reasons I'll explain later. –JW_

**John, walk away. Put down your wallet and back away from the department store. –SH**

_But they have jam on special. And biscuits. We need more biscuits, Sherlock. –JW_

**Perhaps it's time we have a little intervention for your shopaholic tendencies. –SH**

_Are you going to give me money or what? –JW_

…

_Why is there a pile of food on the footpath outside our flat? –JW_

**Mrs Hudson said I was exaggerating when I complained that there was no food in the house. –SH**

_It's times like this I wonder whether or not I'm married to a five year old. –JW_

**I do not like being told I'm exaggerating. I never exaggerate. –SH**

…

_There's a burglar in the house! –JW_

**Are you alright? Is he dead? –SH**

_What? No! Why would I kill something that cute and fluffy? –JW_

**That's the first time I've ever heard anyone describe a burglar as cute and fluffy before. –SH**

_Oh for fucks sake! L. –JW_

**So why are you telling me? Remove the creature. –SH**

…_He's on the top of the cupboard. –JW_

**The disadvantage of being short :P –SH**

_Oh shut up. –JW_

…

**Can you watch while I take a shower? –SH**

_YES! Though joining in would be a nicer option ;) –JW_

***Wait. –SH**

_:( …Can I still watch? –JW_

**Pervert :P –SH**

_I can't help it if you're in possession of an irresistible body. –JW_

**Get in. –SH**

…

_Guess what I bought! –JW_

**Biscuits and jam? Or more jumpers? –SH**

_Guess again. –JW_

**Give me a clue. –SH**

_It has four legs. –JW_

**Return it immediately. –SH**

_You don't even know what it is! –JW_

**I don't care. Return it. –SH**

_His name is Gladstone and we're keeping him. –JW_

**I suppose I could always experiment on him. –SH**

_Don't you dare. If you even try, I will set fire to your violin. –JW_

**Do you really have to bring my violin into this? –SH**

_Don't touch Gladstone. He is my baby and I will protect him using whatever means necessary. –JW_

…**Fine. –SH**

…

_I have two words for you. –JW_

**And they are? –SH**

_I love you. –JW_

**That's three words. –SH**

_Nope. You and I count as one. –JW_

**The phrase 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' comes to mind. Speaking of which, when are you coming home? –SH**

_Soon, love. –JW_

…

**I licked Gladstone like you told me to. –SH**

_WTF? I never told you to lick him! –JW_

**I mean I killed Gladstone. –SH**

_WHAT?! HOW DARE YOU! WHAT DID GLADSTONE EVER DO TO YOU?! –JW_

***walked. I walked Gladstone as per your instructions. –SH**

**And really, John, such a reaction over a dog? –SH**

_He is not just a dog; he is a part of this family! –JW_

**He isn't even human. –SH**

_HE IS A PART OF THIS FAMILY! –JW_

**Uh huh. Fine. –SH**


	6. CC 6

**I have some good news, and some bad news. The good news is, I have made another chapter for this story (duh) because it still gets random reviews and everything. The bad news is, I'm going away for a maximum of three months to place where there is no internet access. Anywhere. There isn't even an internet cafe. There is, however, a vein of good to the bad, as this large amount of downtime and inability to procrastinate (though I'll probably find a way) will allow me to work on my stories (and possibly finish them) to an insane extent! So yay for that. Anyway, I hope you all enjoy this chapter, which came about by taking ideas from Smartphowned and Sherlockifying them. There's Johnlock in this chapter, a small bit of Mystrade and I make a vague mention of Hadler (is that even the right name for it?).**

**Also:**

**JW: John Watson**

**GL: Greg Lestrade**

**SH: Sherlock Holmes**

**MH: Mycroft Holmes**

**SA: Sylvia Anderson (Not sure if that's his actual name but whatever)**

**Molly: Molly Hooper (duh)**

**Disclaimer: I do not and will never own Sherlock, the characters or anything else. **

**Part Six:**

_Lestrade! Help! Gladstone got out and I can't find him anywhere! –JW_

WHO LET THE DOG OUT? WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF! –GL

_THAT'S NOT FUNNY LESTRADE! –JW_

…_Okay. Maybe it is just a little bit. –JW_

_But I really do need your help. Can you put out an APB or get Mycroft to check the security cameras or something? –JW_

I'll ask. But John, Gladdies a smart pup. I'm sure he'll make his way home. –GL

_Thank you :) –JW_

…

_I'm soo tired. –JW_

**I'll fuck you in our bed and make sure the skeet monsters don't get you all slimey :) –SH**

_Uh, okay. Little bit strange but okay. What's a skeet monster? –JW_

**Oh, no. I meant I'll tuck you in our bed and make sure the scary monsters don't get you all scared. Sorry about that. –SH**

_How about a compromise? Fuck me and we'll keep the monsters away ;) –JW_

**I'd like to know how that would work. –SH**

_Meet me in the bedroom and you'll find out ;) –JW_

…

_Hey, Sherlock, do you want lesbians for dinner? –JW_

**There are three things wrong with that question:**

**1) I'm gay. I don't find women attractive, so no.**

**2) I'm not a cannibal. Eating people doesn't appeal to me. Again, no.**

**3) I'm on a case, so I can't eat right now. Finally, another no. –SH**

_I meant LEBANESE! God, never mind. –JW_

**If you're after Lebanese, I suggest the one down the street. –SH**

…

**R u wearing spacepants cuz ur ass is outta ths wrld ;) –SA**

_No I'm wearing softball pants. My ass is just for girls. –Molly_

**Wait ur a lesbian? –SA **

_You didn't know? –Molly_

_Btw I'm forwarding this to your wife and Donovan. ;) –Molly_

**You're supposed to be a little mouse! –SA**

_My girlfriend brought out my dominant side ;) –Molly_

…

_Babe you're the most beautiful person I've ever laid my eyes on :) –JW_

**Thank you not only for calling me beautiful but for using the correct form of "you're" –SH**

_You're very welcome darling. –JW_

…

_I fucked the fridge. –JW_

**Wouldn't that be rather cold and rigid? –SH**

_*Fixed. –JW_

_And btw, not as cold and rigid as you in a bad mood. –JW_

**Remember that when you find fungi growing in your favourite teacups. –SH**

_No! Please, I'm sorry! I didn't mean it! –JW_

…

**What would you do if we broke up? –SH**

_I would go back to my ex. –JW_

**What? That easily? Well fine then! We're over, have fun with your little harlot. –SH**

_Want to go out? I think I'm in love with you. –JW_

**What? I thought you were going back to your ex? –SH**

_You are my ex, my little harlot ;) –JW_

**...I'm sorry, John. I love you too. –SH**

_I know. –JW_

…

**John. Wake up. –SH**

**John. Wake up. –SH**

**JOHN! –SH**

_IT'S 3AM WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?! –JW_

**I've made some pancakes. Would you like some? –SH**

_Why are you making pancakes at three in the morning? –JW_

**It's Valentine's Day and I wanted to make sure you're well fed. –SH**

_You remembered? –JW_

**Of course. I've been planning this day for weeks. –SH**

_Oh really ;) –JW_

**Are you going to come down or not? –SH**

_Be there in a moment, darling –JW_

…

**I am going to poison Anderson if he doesn't stop calling you a dork :( –SH**

_I don't care. I am a bit of a dork after all. –JW_

**You're the cutest fork in the world –SH**

_Fork? –JW_

***Dork. –SH**

_Nope. I am now a cute fork :) –JW_

**You are a very cute fork –SH**

_Would you like to be forked, Sherlock? –JW_

**I wouldn't mind being forked right about now ;) –SH**

…

**Sorry I'm running late, Sherlock required my attention for a sex. We were stuck for a moment but we endeavoured and pulled through. –MH**

That's disturbing and horrifying. Um, is there something you need to tell me? –LG

**I beg your pardon? How is it disturbing and horrifying for me to help my brother. –MH**

Read your first text while I pray it was autocorrect. –LG

**Oh dear. It should have said sec, not sex. I apologise for the confusion, love. –MH**

Oh thank god. Remind me to throw away that phone and get you a new one. –LG

**But I like this phone… -MH**

…

**What are you doing right now? –SH**

_Not much, just watching upsexy. –JW_

**What's that? –SH**

_What's what? –JW_

**What's upsexy? –SH**

_Nothing much, what about you? ;) –JW_

**Ha ha very funny. –SH**

**Btw, I may need you to bail me out later tonight. –SH**

_Again? –JW_

**It's for science, John! –SH**


End file.
